About two years ago, I set out on a journey of many awakenings, energetically, emotionally and spiritually. It began when I faced some very serious fears in my life... I faced them and made a conscious choice not to let them control my life. I took a big leap, made some huge changes by leaving a relationship behind that had been fueled by fears for a long time. In doing this, I freed myself, you could say. I gained this new depth of insight into myself, and a greater sense of clarity around whom I truly am, what I want to have in my life, what is serving me and what isn't. I also now recognize fears in other people and I have the courage to speak of what I sense when appropriate. Some times, I choose to give support in more subtle ways than direct communication.
Anyway, the gift is that my clarity around what is my stuff and what is others has improved so much, so I rarely take anything personally anymore and that allows for so much more space for my heart to be present with whatever situation presents itself to me. It is the freeing of the fears that have allowed my heart to open up more and finally I can play and laugh with a joy that comes completely naturally and can help disarm anything that needs to be disarmed. And this is only the emotional implications of what is happening to me in my life right now.
On another level, I am experiencing changes in my body or rather my relationship to my body is changing. I feel energy coursing through my entire body. I feel so much more alive. Some days are more powerful than others. I usually wake in the morning feeling energy most strongly in my feet; the energy usually runs to my heart and up to the top of my head. The energy feels like light, lightness. I can sit in meditation and consciously move the energy. I have also succeeded transferring it to a friend. It is certainly something that is noticed often by others I meet.
Now, when I am physical, I feel a lightness, a youthfulness and energy that I haven't felt before. The lovers I have had in my life since I began this journey of energy, have given me such immense experiences of pleasure that I have never had before and my whole body has been affected with lightness. At times, I have experienced a light shining from within me. Something I have seen with my inner eye. I find a greater need to be in my body these days. I used to be able to sit still for many hours, now with all this energy buzzing through me, I need to move, share my energy with others and communicate more often. This experience I am having I can best describe as Shakti pouring through me. I find it easy to laugh in the company of people, even when I am by myself. There is this inherent joy inside that just persists and bubbles over, especially when I am present with other people. I still have feelings of sadness and anger in me, and I still experience fear, but none of them persists for very long and I consciously direct my heart into the direction I want to go.
I feel, we all have our own true expression of love. Love doesn't have any particular shape, it empowers us, it lifts us, it puzzles us, it can even hurt us, but we won't experience it truly unless we surrender to it, and in a relationship to the other sex, there is the physical aspect of surrendering and that part I had had fears around which I have surrendered and it has freed up so much space for me to have truly amazing, ecstatic experiences.
"There are three gates of liberation if you like, three cities much like the ones associated with the Goddess you have been named after that unites the chemistry experiment: the material, astral and causal. You get a chance to mix those together in your alembic and boom a wedding of chemical proportions is what we are looking at."
"By impulse, she looked above her. On the branches of the peppermint tree, birds had gathered. In the invisible spaces that she could see when she called herself back to the state she had been in at Helena’s house, she saw beings smiling to her. They had gathered around Kama and Lalita, wherever there was space. She could see their faces at the very back of the garden, where the star jasmine spread its stems. With the sound of the birds above and the earth vibrating underneath, she knew they all urged her to let go, to feel the earth and sky sing to her, to let her take in the glory of it all."
